I didn’t make this decision lightly, but I’ve run the numbers and my mind is made up. To help you understand, I’ve listed the issues in our relationship that cannot be resolved:
- I loved putting money into you (i.e., paying rent) every single month, but I need something in return: Equity! A relationship should be a two-way street, and if you can’t give me any equity in return, I need to find a home that can.
- Our late nights together, when I couldn’t sleep a wink – not due to excitement, but because your radiator made a terrifying whirring noise every five minutes. I wanted to fix you ASAP, or at least find someone who could, but I had to suffer through eight sleepless nights before Mr. Landlord would do something about it.
- I want to make you the best you can be, but I just can’t. Literally. According to our lease I’m not allowed to make changes to you. You know I love you and your outdated cabinets just the way you are, but upgrading to the 21st century wouldn’t be the end of the world.
- I know you have fond memories of those hot summer nights, but I needed you to keep it cool sometimes. Humid, 90-degree nights just aren’t fun. You have a tendency to retain all your heat and I don’t think it’s healthy. Honestly, you may want to get that checked out.
- I just need some space – specifically, for my car! Although attempting to understand the street parking rules is a solid daily mental exercise replacement for Sudoku, I’d prefer a garage to keep my baby warm. I know you get jealous of Zoom Zoom Zoë, but making her sleep in the cold is just cruel.
Our life together wasn’t all bad, though. Here are some good times I’ll never forget:
- Living with all my walls (and cabinets, doors, windowsills…) painted white has really helped me find my inner Zen.
- Opening your heavy, semi-functional windows has made me stronger. Finding household objects to hold them ajar has also strengthened my problem solving skills immensely. I finally found a use for my Titanic VHS!
- I never felt too isolated — because I could always hear other tenants above me all day. And all night.
We both know that even though I helped you stay in perfect shape there’s no way I’m getting my security deposit back. So you can just keep it and buy something nice to entice your next renter.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened, ok?
P.S. I left you some pizza and ice cream in the fridge.